The beginning of a short story begun in 2011

Frederick Johnson IV was not a lubricious man.  Or at least he never intended to be.  A tepid and quite often nervous fellow, Mr. Johnson was the butler of the prosperous van Scurilitas family of New England, but had moved south to accompany the family’s son, James.  The well-meaning butler had from birth a peculiar interest in the festering cheeses from the western reaches of Lisieux, and, duly, some imagined predisposition toward a canonized Carmelite nun from that area.  No one understood the latter, or the prior for that matter, for the cheeses of the western reaches of Lisieux are most foul indeed. 

James van Scurilitas was the family’s youngest and only child.  He thought it befitting of himself to reside in a place that would afford him an even more luxurious lifestyle, so he moved to quaint estate in Louisiana after having spent a considerable amount of his father’s not-so-meager funds on a considerable amount of education.  At his disposal had been all the best schooling since a wee boy.  Beginning with the prestigious Harvard-Franklin preschool in Crawford Notch, Pierce-Bauschman-Heindlieben Kinder-Prep at Jefferson, the Yale Law School Kindergarten Extension on Lake Winnipesauke, all the way up through two nondescript bachelor’s degrees from Darmouth College, he had enrolled in three terminal masters degrees, none of which he completed, at Amherst, Harvard, and Dartmouth respectively.  The van Scurilitas boy practically had more courses under his belt than the entire population of the mountain-backed state of New Hampshire.  But we are getting off track.

     As I said, Frederick was not a lubricious man.  He bound himself to the van Scurilitas family with—as they saw it—an unnecessary and wholly unflattering promise of chasteness.  While initially assumed to mean loyalty to their family alone, it was quickly learned that the subdued butler fully intended to remove himself from the reaches of female prurience.  (His father, also a butler, had formulated a farce teaching him that those of the feminine persuasion had a voracious appetite for servants of rich families.  This was done in attempt to keep the boy from finagling about with girls.)  His chastity was practiced to such excess that Frederick became quite uncomfortable when in the presence of a woman, making him twice as awkward as he was on any other given occasion.  And herein lay his problem.  In his bouts of discomfort he would lose control of his tongue and inevitably spurt forth some innuendo, or at least something that could be construed as having another, more exotic meaning, without any intention of the matter whatsoever.  This often created the most splendidly uncomfortable situations, where Frederick would turn a bright rose, begin sweating as though he had just encountered a lion on the street, and, in the worst scenarios, set down another accidental implication or two.  In hopes of remedying the perspiration issue, the family insisted he wear a few more layers so as to hide the dampness fleeing his armpits.  But Frederick was a man with a naturally high body temperature, and this only exacerbated his problem.  As to the double entendres, there was no solution: only further discomfort and reservedly annoyed requests for him to get something at the store...